1
Witness Name: Alfred Nicculow
Town/City: Devon
DOB: 20/12/1954
Employer/School: Unemployed
Complaint Against: Lyle Ware
Suspected Crime: Animal Cruelty
Date: 15/09/2026
Time: 23:53
Location: 8, 14 and 15 The Riding
Statement:
Decapitated kittens on abutting flowerbeds.
Trickle blackens at midnight.
Suzuki upsets mizzle.
Irresolute bladder factors light.
2
Witness Name: Cherry Scott
Town/City: Dumfries
DOB: 26/07/1956
Employer/School: Retired
Complaint Against: Ian Petch
Suspected Crime: Arson
Date: 17/09/2026
Time: 23:30
Location: 7 Whitehorn Rd.
Statement:
Kerosene plash on shattered window.
Fireball rag ignites mat.
Clogging smoke gathers.
Niece hawks under bedspread.
3
Witness Name: Ann Settery
Town/City: Edinburgh
DOB: 31/12/1949
Employer/School: N/A
Complaint Against: Geoffrey Lowlar
Suspected Crime: Misuse of Corpse
Date: 19/09/2026
Time: 09:17
Location: Lowlar’s Funeral Directors
Statement:
Deny an icebox for Mr. Nixey,
Mere parlour floor obsequies.
Incessant creeping over.
Ulcer ashen on opaque face.
4
Witness Name: Linda Hookway
Town/City: Aberdeen
DOB: 27/02/1986
Employer/School: Tesco
Complaint Against: Willy Robson
Suspected Crime: Intent to Endanger Life
Date: 21/09/2026
Time: 18:03
Location: Summerfields Industrial Estate
Statement:
Rigid flash through windscreen.
Jarring slew marks tarmac.
Disjoint into hypermarket wall.
Airbags WOOMPH.
5
Witness Name: Simon Mclean
Town/City: Ballater
DOB: 31/01/2000
Employer/School: Hutchcraft Waste Recycling
Complaint Against: Kirkly International Ltd.
Suspected Crime: Manslaughter and Unregulated Manufacture
Date: 25/09/2026
Time: 13:45
Location: 217 Benbrake Close
Statement:
Bundle-of-joy waxes unwarmed,
Lung-plugged on chesterfield.
Polyester hooded sleeping bag,
In irrepressible madder,
Cerements its guilt.
