Christopher Barnes’ five poems on police reports


1 

 

Witness Name: Alfred Nicculow

Town/City: Devon

DOB: 20/12/1954

Employer/School: Unemployed

Complaint Against: Lyle Ware

Suspected Crime: Animal Cruelty

Date: 15/09/2026

Time: 23:53

Location: 8, 14 and 15 The Riding

 

Statement:

Decapitated kittens on abutting flowerbeds.

Trickle blackens at midnight.

Suzuki upsets mizzle.

Irresolute bladder factors light.

2 

 

Witness Name: Cherry Scott

Town/City: Dumfries

DOB: 26/07/1956

Employer/School: Retired

Complaint Against: Ian Petch

Suspected Crime: Arson

Date: 17/09/2026

Time: 23:30

Location: 7 Whitehorn Rd.

 

Statement:

Kerosene plash on shattered window.

Fireball rag ignites mat.

Clogging smoke gathers.

Niece hawks under bedspread.

3 

 

Witness Name: Ann Settery

Town/City: Edinburgh

DOB: 31/12/1949

Employer/School: N/A

Complaint Against: Geoffrey Lowlar

Suspected Crime: Misuse of Corpse

Date: 19/09/2026

Time: 09:17

Location: Lowlar’s Funeral Directors

 

Statement:

Deny an icebox for Mr. Nixey,

Mere parlour floor obsequies.

Incessant creeping over.

Ulcer ashen on opaque face.

4 

 

Witness Name: Linda Hookway

Town/City: Aberdeen

DOB: 27/02/1986

Employer/School: Tesco

Complaint Against: Willy Robson

Suspected Crime: Intent to Endanger Life

Date: 21/09/2026

Time: 18:03

Location: Summerfields Industrial Estate

 

Statement:

Rigid flash through windscreen.

Jarring slew marks tarmac.

Disjoint into hypermarket wall.

Airbags WOOMPH.

5 

 

Witness Name: Simon Mclean

Town/City: Ballater

DOB: 31/01/2000

Employer/School: Hutchcraft Waste Recycling

Complaint Against: Kirkly International Ltd.

Suspected Crime: Manslaughter and Unregulated Manufacture

Date: 25/09/2026

Time: 13:45

Location: 217 Benbrake Close

 

Statement:

Bundle-of-joy waxes unwarmed,

Lung-plugged on chesterfield.

Polyester hooded sleeping bag,

In irrepressible madder,

Cerements its guilt.


In 1998 Christopher Barnes won a Northern Arts writers award.  In July 2000 he read at Waterstones bookshop to promote the anthology ‘Titles Are Bitches’.  Christmas 2001 he debuted at Newcastle’s famous Morden Tower doing a reading of poems.  Each year he read for Proudwords lesbian and gay writing festival and partook in workshops.  2005 saw the publication of his collection LOVEBITES published by Chanticleer Press, 6/1 Jamaica Mews, Edinburgh. On Saturday 16Th August 2003 he read at the Edinburgh Festival as a Per Verse. Christmas 2001 The Northern Cultural Skills Partnership sponsored him to be mentored by Andy Croft in conjunction with New Writing North.  He made a radio programme for Web FM community radio about his writing group.  October-November 2005, he entered a poem/visual image into the art exhibition The Art Cafe Project, his piece Post-Mark was shown in Betty’s Newcastle.  This event was sponsored by Pride On The Tyne.  He made a digital film with artists Kate Sweeney and Julie Ballands at a film making workshop called Out Of The Picture which was shown at the festival party for Proudwords, it contains his poem The Old Heave-Ho.  He worked on a collaborative art and literature project called How Gay Are Your Genes, facilitated by Lisa Mathews (poet) which exhibited at The Hatton Gallery, Newcastle University, including a film piece by the artist Predrag Pajdic in which he read his poem On Brenkley St.  The event was funded by The Policy, Ethics and Life Sciences Research Institute, Bio-science Centre at Newcastle’s Centre for Life.  He was involved in the Five Arts Cities poetry postcard event which exhibited at The Seven Stories children’s literature building.  In May he had 2006 a solo art/poetry exhibition at The People’s Theatre.

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