don't want to lose your love

i don't know if i will

ever feel safe

coming out to you,

i don't know if i ever will;

should i ever marry a

woman then i guess you'll

know then—

i just don't feel safe expressing

the rainbow of my heart to you,

especially after you told me

twice that i better not be a lesbian;

or after seeing how you cringe

any time we watch a movie where

there are queer characters and you

have to complain about two

women or two men kissing—

love is love,

and i am not so sure why

it repulses you when people are in

love of the same gender;

but i think dad would be even worse—

so while i long to be my authentic self

and tell you about every part of me,

it just doesn't feel safe;

and i don't want to lose your love.

i'd suffer either way

every time you tell me

you and your soon-to-be husband

went to chick-fil-a a part of

me dies inside,

their chicken isn't that good

nor is their lemonade;

they actively give their money to

kill people in other countries

that love like i do—

every time you eat there

it feels like you're saying i 

wish you didn't exist and it is a

dagger to my heart,

and i wish i could say that it's

okay because i love you;

but i can't—

you choose to fund the pockets

of people who think i shouldn't exist,

and i don't feel safe coming out

to you or to mom and especially

not to dad;

and i hate being trapped in this

closet—

i wish i could be "normal" 

sometimes if it meant i didn't have

to suffer like this,

but i'm an empath;

so i know i'd suffer either way.

oops!

i keep seeing your birthday in

angel numbers,

didn't realize you were my

first girl crush;

i guess i thought we were 

just so close because

we were

besties—

thought i just got jealous

easily when you hung out with

other people because i'm

protective of my little circle

of friends,

and while this is true;

i think i was jealous

that you might love one of them

instead of me—

even if i didn't realize 

i had feelings for you,

took me several decades to 

decode the fact that you were

my first girl crush;

guess i just never thought it through

because i was taught being

queer was an abomination and i 

was attracted to guys so i didn't realize

i wasn't straight until my late twenties, oops!