---

Illusion. Doubt. Delusion.

Disillusioned.

 

Bed at 12. Awake at 1:30.

Drank some water, checked the clock.

Tried to sleep. Sleep evades.

 

Thoughts.

The number 286 keeps popping up in my head.

What unconscious thought wants to escape through 286?

I cannot guess. Maybe God knows.

 

God, help me sleep. Help me work.

Help me rest. Help me heal.

Help me overcome distrust, help me feel.

Help me live.

 

I know I can, help me focus.

I want to feel peace. The peace of a job well done, the peace of taking the burden from my parents’ shoulders, the peace of being enough, feeling enough. Finding happiness.

 

If you can hear me at this hour of the night,

Help me be me God, help me to be.

---

Today, I don’t feel like getting out of my bed.

Don’t wanna eat or

Brush my teeth,

Comb my hair,

Wash my face,

Have my meds

Or change the sheets.

 

Won’t fold this mosquito net.

Or do the dishes.

I

Won’t hear any songs,

Am gonna decline all calls.

So tired of everything, I want to sleep.

 

I’m not

Doing anything today

Until life coaxes me

To come out and play,

I’m going to say a big f*ck you to everything that is eating me.

---

Argha De is a research scholar at Visva-Bharati University and dreams of writing his own book one day. He spends his free time writing short poems and writeups under the pseudonym “hawkwing” on his Instagram handle. Recently, one of his poems was published in an international anthology ‘Paradise on Earth: Volume 2’. Besides writing, he loves reading books, watching cinema, following football and F1.