Benzo Brain #5

[There’s only one way out.]

It’s dark. Hansel left

me alone. All men leave.

None have ever loved me.

I don’t care. Pretty boys

took all the gingerbread.

Birds ate the bread crumbs.

Someone whispers,

“Don’t give up. I love you.”

[I dig through horse shit.

I’ll find the pony.]

TIME and PATIENCE

arrive with shiny pebbles.

Imaginary strong men

swaddle me with cloaks

pulled tight around. Easy,

baby. Breathe. 5-5-5.

Benzo Brain #6

[Despair.]

Grey dreams. Roaming.

Barren landscapes in a Dante

dusk. A breeze that does

not refresh. “Dad? Is that you?”

He looks away. I march on.

“Why are you here?” help me.

help me. help me. help me. NO.

My book of Haiku was only

dirty limericks. My iron

pans were bloody hammers.

Henry. Smiling. Guttural growl.

I can’t breathe. Daddy, I want to

come home. I do not know

where that would be. Parched

earth. Broken stairs. Don’t fall.

Benzo Brain #7

[Terror.]

“Who is it!?” Axe murderer

on my porch again. Run!

Upstairs in the far closet

under the clothes. Crouched

on top of a pile of shoes. Maybe

he won’t find me. I hold

my doll close. I didn’t forget

her. She loves me more. Shhhh.

Is my breathing too loud? Maybe

he can hear my heartbeat.

I go deaf in my right ear.

An ocean roars in the left

and Minnie Mouse. Phone

rings. I jump through my arse.

It’s Henry. Breathing.

Benzo Brain #8

[Keep trying.]

“Hi, I’m back.” At the ER.

Weak. Can’t breathe. Shivers.

Blood pressure stroke level.

IV. Alarm keeps going off.

ER doc saunters in. “You OK?”

“Sure.” More alarms. “We’re

looking for a bed in Portland.”

MEDIX. Mr Toad’s Wild Ride.

Pump me full of something.

If it doesn’t work, “a little

electricity.” Angiogram. “Wow.

Looks great!” No cholesterol.

Head cardiologist: “Your heart

is weak right now. We think it

will get stronger. [awwwww

Sweetie pie. Giving hope.] We

think it’s stress.” [Not a virus?]

It’s the benzo, doc, the benzo.