Julia stood ram-rod straight, eyes fiery as if facing an enemy. She ignored the slight wobble of her walking stick and pulled herself up to her full height; that is the height any frail elderly lady could muster.
Julia had asked her daughter to bring her here; a place she hadn’t returned to since she was a teenager. The years were passing; Julia had things to set straight. There were no devils or wild animals here, but to her they may well have been. Ghosts from the past haunted her, hurt her, and had drained the colour from her young face. The imprint of the man’s face; the one with in the dark suit who carried a briefcase, and the other with a white collar where a large cross hung on his black robe, were clear in her mind. They changed her life forever.
Carolyn brought Julia to Canowindra, in Western NSW, where her family had run a farm and where she was born in the 1930’s. They travelled mostly silently from Sydney, where Julia had fled to so long ago.
It was spring; the brilliant yellow canola flowers waved in unison. The paddocks full of grazing cattle and sheep lined the roads. It hadn’t always been like this, Julia had well known the land, its severe droughts, rabbit plagues and crows; she hated the crows and the merciless way they preyed on baby lambs.
Like a rolling film her childhood played over in her mind; a childhood where her and her young brother, Denny, fed the chickens cared for the baby lambs and potty calves. Where they jumped carelessly into the dam and rode their ponies on adventures while their parents and older siblings worked the land. They had watched as swaggies passed through looking for a little work or a meal. Their mother had kindly given small jobs for a warm meal. ‘To keep their dignity,’ she would explain. She wrapped sandwiches in a cloth and gave them tea and sugar to take with them. The children recalled how they spoke and how they tipped their hats to say thank you. Julia could imitate their language, and they giggled as they followed them to the farm gates to see them on their way.
Along a narrow road, Julia directed Carolyn into a dirt track covered in places by recent rain. Julia recalled how in times of drought, the brown dust often burnt their eyes and filled their noses and throats.
“Stop here, Carolyn please.” It was evident that her mother had wanted to get out so she pulled into a turning circle, free of water. That’s where Julia got out, where she took steps through ankle-high grass and stopped. Stopped and stared.
Carolyn gave her space, but was concerned and eventually followed her.
“What is it Mum, what are we here for?” she asked in a most loving voice.
“This is where the school house was, not the tiniest sign of its existence now; like it never had been. I guess the remains have all been ploughed in for crops. The local farmers donated the land and built the school house so the government would send a teacher.” She continued. “Not even the old fireplace where we took turns bringing in coal and wood to feed the fire. It wasn’t a big room, and the kids ranged in age from 6 to 16 years. ” she volunteered.
“That gum tree is where I tied my horse, Tartan. I rode her to school. The tree has grown, and is my only reminder of the place. Two gums were the only eucalyptus that stood in the whole paddock.”
“What about the other Mum, did you and the kids climb and play in it?”
“Yes, till it all happened!” Julia’s resolve tightened and Carolyn questioned whether she should take the conversation further.
“Mum, do you want to return to the car and tell me about it?” She said, worried about her mother’s well-being.
“After I say a prayer and goodbye; I’ll be okay. Please give me a minute,” she insisted, her stoicism razor sharp.
Julia fumbled in her pocket and pulled out her old Rosary Beads. Carolyn watched at a distance as Julia chanted to herself, closed her eyes at times and took in deep breaths. She wobbled on her walking stick and Carolyn was about to go to her when she saw her mother place the beads near the second gum tree, then turn, looking in Carolyn’s direction.
Julia’s face was ashen when she got back into the car, her hands trembled and her voice shook. She turned and mouthed ‘thank you’ to Carolyn.
“Now I have said my goodbyes to them, I need to confess to you about what happened here, my dear Carolyn.” Julia’s voice softened but she would not allow the tears she had long deprived herself of.
“Jimmy Chang was my boyfriend, Carolyn. His Chinese ancestors had come out during the gold rush years. We were so in love! We were both 16. He was a kind and caring and my parents were happy for him to visit, and for me to visit him. Sadly, some people didn’t like the Chinese.” Carolyn handed her a water bottle, Julia took a sip, and continued.
“Jimmy and I used to help the teacher pack up after the younger kids had gone home. Miss Kelly was lovely; being of Irish decent, she understood how difficult prejudice could be. Her family had been migrants who came after the potato famine in Ireland. They had often suffered at the hands of the English and even some Australians. She could never understand why. Miss Kelly showed Jimmy so much respect. One day after Miss Kelly left, Jimmy and I were climbing the trees and playing around till we flopped on the ground to rest. We laughed, then Jimmy kissed me. We embraced and before we knew it nature took its course. We surprised ourselves; knew it was wrong so we agreed it shouldn’t happen again.” Carolyn reached over putting her arm around her mum, bringing tears to both their eyes.
“It’s okay Mum, don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s human, you were young and in love.”
“It only took once, Carolyn, only once and I was in the family way. I didn’t know what was happening to me, but others saw the tell-tale signs. Jimmy was ostracised and shamed, I was yelled at. Someone organised a visit from our local priest. It all happened so quickly and I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t allowed to see Jimmy anymore. I was heartbroken!”
Tears started to slide down the soft wrinkles of Julia’s face, it was apparent to Carolyn that she had never shared this story before. She continued, and dabbed her cheeks with her soft white hanky.
“That’s when the government man in the dark suit, came. He asked Mum and Dad a lot of questions, frowned at me and said I was bad and should go away to have the baby and have it adopted. I didn’t want to. He made me feel ashamed, I was devastated. I was so scared and then had a terrible cramp in my tummy. I felt dizzy, and everything went white and swirled and then I fainted. When I woke up they told me I had lost the baby, and that it was my fault.”
“Oh Mum, that’s awful. You weren’t bad; you know that, don’t you?” Carolyn said warmly, Julia nodded.
“After the news had spread, Jimmy was found hanging from the tree in School House Paddock, right there, Carolyn. I will never forgive them all for what they did. I had to say goodbye to him, and our baby today. After that I planned to run away to become a ‘swaggie’.” She said ashamedly.
“There was an author, a Kyle Tenant, she had visited our farm and was staying in the local hotel so I went to see her. She was writing a book about the swagmen during the depression years. I begged her to help me get to Sydney and she said she would as long as I let my parents know where I was. Kylie knew lots of people in Sydney and found me a job making morning teas in a large newspaper office.”
Carolyn couldn’t believe what she heard, she was speechless as Julia continued.
“ …and that’s how I became a journalist. Lucky break I guess.”
“Wow Mum, how have you kept this secret all your life, and your family?”
“ I had constant contact with Denny, and eventually spoke to my family but could never forgive my parents. They are buried on the property not far from here.”
“Take me home Carolyn, please. I’m tired. ”
“…perhaps one last stop at your parents’ graves, Mum?” Julia nodded, “Okay.” She smiled. “I guess I need to say goodbye to everyone!”
Carolyn turned the car around and they bounced through the wet puddles down the track and back onto the tarred road.
They left Canowindra, neither spoke of it again, nor looked back.
“Thank you, Darling.” Julia said squeezing Carolyn’s hand.
DoubleSpeak 