I was rushing with my pen and diary to the shores. Sara, wear your sandals and go and come soon. Paa, you know I don’t like to wear my sandals on the shore. Let the sand deliver my arrival to the mightywaves of the ocean. I ran out of the house laughing at the reaction of Paa to my lame sarcastic and romanticized comment but he still reminded me to return early, as we were supposed to have Ethan and his family for dinner. It happens all the time that I considerably lose track of time on the shore and Paa has to drag me home or sometimes I drag him to sit with me. Well, Ethan is my fiance. We are getting married by next year probably. The probability referred to in my use of the helping verb does not indicate the uncertainty in our relationship. But the uncertainty of life in totality. We met at the goa fair two years back. I was sitting at the shore, away from the chaos of the people and the material world. Staring at the ferocious fighting waves, I used to be at peace. It might seem quite weird of me to feel peace in fighting but let’s just say the waves fight very peacefully. Where in literal words, one such time Ethan disturbed my peaceful meeting with my forever love. I was very angry at him at first. He directly sat beside me. I was startled by how could someone enter into someone’s private moment without any hesitation. I was about to give voice to these words, but even before I could utter something he said, Sorry… As if he just read my mind or what I was about to say. ‘I am Ethan. I was at the fair with my family.’ I said it was okay and started writing in my diary to avoid him. But I couldn’t resist some handsome irresistible stranger sitting beside me. I could hear his breathing and the presence of someone made me feel awful. I just got up, picked up my diary, and accidentally dropped my pen down. I did not look back and continued walking to my house. I knew that day the waves were laughing at me in the same way I used to laugh at them. We were not aware that the shore would let us meet the shores of our lives. I was not alone or lonely, I wanted to enjoy the companionship with the elements around me. Ethan didn’t hamper the companionship, in fact, he became a part of it. My father being a linguist and a playwright has always guarded and understood my feelings and my vulnerable and emotional nature. He is a friend, therapist, and everything to me. We got separated from my mother 8 years back when Paa and I both couldn’t standliving in past. Paa cooks delicious Konkani food and I just love all of it. Even though I can cook but at a point, I chose never to cook. Ethan thought it was an unnecessary demand but later Paa talked him into it and he agreed. And for the last three months, he is taking classes from Paa. Coming back to my shore, I tell everything to the waves on a regular basis. Yesterday after Ethan’s cooking class with Paa, he asked me where our relationship was going. I could see and sense that he already had discussed all this with Paa and they have planned it all. At first, I couldn’t answer the question. It’s like when you have least expected to have a relationship in your life and then you get it out of nowhere. We never thought about where our relationship was going or anything related to the future of it. We were just living in the moment and exploring. There are versions of you, you never want to turn into. I was afraid Ethan has not seen the version I don’t want to turn into. Ethan could literally see the fear and the war I was fighting on my face. He consoled me and made me comfortable with the fact that I am totally allowed to be vulnerable, I can be in doubt, and that I can take as much as time I wanted to think over this. He made sure that I won’t me all alone in dealing with whatever I feel. I can communicate or rather I must communicate the slightest doubt or anything up in my mind. I gathered all my strength and walked over to my room. I got the box out of my cupboard and came outside. I gave it to Ethan. He opened it and found the letter. Ethan, Today here I want you to know that I am willing to mark a new wonderful journey filled with joy, love and respect with you but before setting a foot away, I would like to you to embrace my journey till now. I want you to meet the Tara you cannot find or is scared to be found but wishes to be found. I would love if you help me find her in our beautiful journey ahead. Dear Younger Tara, The awakening realization is that it is entirely too easy for me to apologize for our emotional nature. Yes, You are a brutally soft woman. I acknowledged that you could feel pain all too clearly andexpress it all too openly. You drown in sorrows the same way you drink away your feelings. You are a victim to your radiating heart that sometimes your mind gets lost in the shuffle of reality. You have been regularly ignore it… Like we ignore a lot many things for the sake of Nothing. Resulting in Nothing… I still wonder, ‘Was it worth Nothing?’ You wanted to express each and every feeling in the same way your heart desired. Yes, your heart had a say… You just had to listen to it keenly. Say it aloud! Let the whole damn world listen to it…! You are Emotional. You get attached to everything very easily. You handle everything emotionally without even having a single thought about the consequences. You always thrived to be a tower of greater stability. My dear Tara being emotional reunites me with the stability you possessed. But these waves of ferocious emotions wash over its heavy and deep roots… Yes! I am Soft… Desperately… Utterly… Defeatedly… But I was always too ashamed to let the world see it… Worried, It’ll make me less of the individual I am, despite my broken parts. Because the world has been introduced to a totally different and seemingly wrong definition of strength… More precisely ‘A woman’s strength!’ While I am fully capable of standing as tall as the mountains, I am equally as willing to fall so low that the dirt is felt like skin. A part of myself, which is beautiful within… My bones are only made of extremes. A curse within a cure… But no one wanted to witness it anyway! Everyone is ready to face it now. And if not, I just don’t have to care about it! Because I don’t want to apologize for it anymore… I am tired of justifying each and every action, explaining who I am and why Am I like this? Emotional Fool they say!I am overwhelmed by the guilt I am not attached to. They say you feel more suffocated than guarded. No! You all make us feel suffocated! Dragging us all along are the so-called social guards! Are they even guarding us? This made me feel less connected with the world, hiding parts of myself under these Shadows. Because they are in dark and the light will illuminate them and vanish the shadows. It is like If I want to cry, I want to wail out my lungs… If I want to laugh, I want the world to hear my happiness… Now that I know that I can strongly accept my vulnerability as my deepest strength… I don’t fear anything, anyone, anymore. I ended it for both of us. And now my empathy is my favorite feature! I can tell you, admitting to all types of emotions- ecstatic or painful or apathetic is refreshingly Enlightening! I am a more whole being for my art to share it aloud than for the encumbrance of tucking pieces of myself under a stability blanket. I won’t apologize anymore for what makes me more human even if it is not the kind of human people are comfortable with. I am Soft… Absolutely. Intensely. Candidly Yours lovingly Tara He folded the letter up and went straight to my room and locked the door. I couldn’t understand what to do next. I saw Paa and I couldn’t control my tears from rolling down. He hugged me tight and ensured me that everything would be fine. Fear of losing Ethan was darker than being all vulnerable in front of him. Inever let Paa read the letter. Ethan was the first to read it. I was not sure how will he take it and react to it. It would be quite hard for men, in general, to deal with, accept or term it as normal. But it is the truth. If Ethan can not accept the truth about me, the truth that resides in me, then I will not be able to spend or share my whole life with him. I held all my feelings and emotions together and prepared myself for his decision and its consequences. Investing your whole life into someone, growing together, and all of a sudden growing apart to have two different lives is so difficult. It’s like when you are performing, in a clap you are in the whole new world of a character and again in a clap, you are out of it. This is so different. I was flooded with lots of thoughts. Paa convinced me to stay calm and give Ethan some time. Till then the door of my room opened Ethan came out with the same box and handed it to me. I was startled. With all my strength I opened the box and found another letter in it. I looked up at Ethan and picked up the letter and opened it. My dear younger and elder Tara, I am glad that I met the younger, Tara, in the words of the elder one. But I would love to meet her in person. To be honest with you elder Tara, I am more in love with the younger one and so, are you. So I would appreciate it if you help me find her. I can’t wait to meet her, talk to her, not let her apologize for her emotional nature, embrace a brutally soft woman, acknowledge all her pain, and let her share it with me too clearly and too openly. I want to drown with her in sorrows the same way she drinks away her feelings. I do not want to ignore anything her radiating heart wants to express which will be worth everything to me. I want you to express each and every feeling in the same way her heart desires and let the whole damn world listen to it! I love that she is emotional and handles everything emotionally. I want her to be ‘My tower of greater stability. I am so proud that she is Soft… Desperately… Utterly… Defeatedly…I want to introduce to the world this brand new definition of a woman’s strength erasing all the traditional ones. I want to witness all of her even if I am not ready. I want to see her cry as if she wants to wail out her lungs… I want to see her laugh, till the world hears her happiness… And now that empathy is your favorite feature, it’s mine too. I want to be with all your pieces under the stability blanket. I would like to apologize on behalf of the whole damn world that made you feel vulnerable and being emotional is your weakness. So my dear Elder Tara let us begin to weave our stability blanket!
Mitalee Sagar Gathe’s short story: Dear Young Tara
I was rushing with my pen and diary to the shores. Sara, wear your sandals and go and come soon. Paa, you know I don’t like to wear my sandals on the shore. Let the sand deliver my arrival to the mightywaves of the ocean. I ran out of the house laughing at the reaction of Paa to my lame sarcastic and romanticized comment but he still reminded me to return early, as we were supposed to have Ethan and his family for dinner. It happens all the time that I considerably lose track of time on the shore and Paa has to drag me home or sometimes I drag him to sit with me. Well, Ethan is my fiance. We are getting married by next year probably. The probability referred to in my use of the helping verb does not indicate the uncertainty in our relationship. But the uncertainty of life in totality. We met at the goa fair two years back. I was sitting at the shore, away from the chaos of the people and the material world. Staring at the ferocious fighting waves, I used to be at peace. It might seem quite weird of me to feel peace in fighting but let’s just say the waves fight very peacefully. Where in literal words, one such time Ethan disturbed my peaceful meeting with my forever love. I was very angry at him at first. He directly sat beside me. I was startled by how could someone enter into someone’s private moment without any hesitation. I was about to give voice to these words, but even before I could utter something he said, Sorry… As if he just read my mind or what I was about to say. ‘I am Ethan. I was at the fair with my family.’ I said it was okay and started writing in my diary to avoid him. But I couldn’t resist some handsome irresistible stranger sitting beside me. I could hear his breathing and the presence of someone made me feel awful. I just got up, picked up my diary, and accidentally dropped my pen down. I did not look back and continued walking to my house. I knew that day the waves were laughing at me in the same way I used to laugh at them. We were not aware that the shore would let us meet the shores of our lives. I was not alone or lonely, I wanted to enjoy the companionship with the elements around me. Ethan didn’t hamper the companionship, in fact, he became a part of it. My father being a linguist and a playwright has always guarded and understood my feelings and my vulnerable and emotional nature. He is a friend, therapist, and everything to me. We got separated from my mother 8 years back when Paa and I both couldn’t standliving in past. Paa cooks delicious Konkani food and I just love all of it. Even though I can cook but at a point, I chose never to cook. Ethan thought it was an unnecessary demand but later Paa talked him into it and he agreed. And for the last three months, he is taking classes from Paa. Coming back to my shore, I tell everything to the waves on a regular basis. Yesterday after Ethan’s cooking class with Paa, he asked me where our relationship was going. I could see and sense that he already had discussed all this with Paa and they have planned it all. At first, I couldn’t answer the question. It’s like when you have least expected to have a relationship in your life and then you get it out of nowhere. We never thought about where our relationship was going or anything related to the future of it. We were just living in the moment and exploring. There are versions of you, you never want to turn into. I was afraid Ethan has not seen the version I don’t want to turn into. Ethan could literally see the fear and the war I was fighting on my face. He consoled me and made me comfortable with the fact that I am totally allowed to be vulnerable, I can be in doubt, and that I can take as much as time I wanted to think over this. He made sure that I won’t me all alone in dealing with whatever I feel. I can communicate or rather I must communicate the slightest doubt or anything up in my mind. I gathered all my strength and walked over to my room. I got the box out of my cupboard and came outside. I gave it to Ethan. He opened it and found the letter. Ethan, Today here I want you to know that I am willing to mark a new wonderful journey filled with joy, love and respect with you but before setting a foot away, I would like to you to embrace my journey till now. I want you to meet the Tara you cannot find or is scared to be found but wishes to be found. I would love if you help me find her in our beautiful journey ahead. Dear Younger Tara, The awakening realization is that it is entirely too easy for me to apologize for our emotional nature. Yes, You are a brutally soft woman. I acknowledged that you could feel pain all too clearly andexpress it all too openly. You drown in sorrows the same way you drink away your feelings. You are a victim to your radiating heart that sometimes your mind gets lost in the shuffle of reality. You have been regularly ignore it… Like we ignore a lot many things for the sake of Nothing. Resulting in Nothing… I still wonder, ‘Was it worth Nothing?’ You wanted to express each and every feeling in the same way your heart desired. Yes, your heart had a say… You just had to listen to it keenly. Say it aloud! Let the whole damn world listen to it…! You are Emotional. You get attached to everything very easily. You handle everything emotionally without even having a single thought about the consequences. You always thrived to be a tower of greater stability. My dear Tara being emotional reunites me with the stability you possessed. But these waves of ferocious emotions wash over its heavy and deep roots… Yes! I am Soft… Desperately… Utterly… Defeatedly… But I was always too ashamed to let the world see it… Worried, It’ll make me less of the individual I am, despite my broken parts. Because the world has been introduced to a totally different and seemingly wrong definition of strength… More precisely ‘A woman’s strength!’ While I am fully capable of standing as tall as the mountains, I am equally as willing to fall so low that the dirt is felt like skin. A part of myself, which is beautiful within… My bones are only made of extremes. A curse within a cure… But no one wanted to witness it anyway! Everyone is ready to face it now. And if not, I just don’t have to care about it! Because I don’t want to apologize for it anymore… I am tired of justifying each and every action, explaining who I am and why Am I like this? Emotional Fool they say!I am overwhelmed by the guilt I am not attached to. They say you feel more suffocated than guarded. No! You all make us feel suffocated! Dragging us all along are the so-called social guards! Are they even guarding us? This made me feel less connected with the world, hiding parts of myself under these Shadows. Because they are in dark and the light will illuminate them and vanish the shadows. It is like If I want to cry, I want to wail out my lungs… If I want to laugh, I want the world to hear my happiness… Now that I know that I can strongly accept my vulnerability as my deepest strength… I don’t fear anything, anyone, anymore. I ended it for both of us. And now my empathy is my favorite feature! I can tell you, admitting to all types of emotions- ecstatic or painful or apathetic is refreshingly Enlightening! I am a more whole being for my art to share it aloud than for the encumbrance of tucking pieces of myself under a stability blanket. I won’t apologize anymore for what makes me more human even if it is not the kind of human people are comfortable with. I am Soft… Absolutely. Intensely. Candidly Yours lovingly Tara He folded the letter up and went straight to my room and locked the door. I couldn’t understand what to do next. I saw Paa and I couldn’t control my tears from rolling down. He hugged me tight and ensured me that everything would be fine. Fear of losing Ethan was darker than being all vulnerable in front of him. Inever let Paa read the letter. Ethan was the first to read it. I was not sure how will he take it and react to it. It would be quite hard for men, in general, to deal with, accept or term it as normal. But it is the truth. If Ethan can not accept the truth about me, the truth that resides in me, then I will not be able to spend or share my whole life with him. I held all my feelings and emotions together and prepared myself for his decision and its consequences. Investing your whole life into someone, growing together, and all of a sudden growing apart to have two different lives is so difficult. It’s like when you are performing, in a clap you are in the whole new world of a character and again in a clap, you are out of it. This is so different. I was flooded with lots of thoughts. Paa convinced me to stay calm and give Ethan some time. Till then the door of my room opened Ethan came out with the same box and handed it to me. I was startled. With all my strength I opened the box and found another letter in it. I looked up at Ethan and picked up the letter and opened it. My dear younger and elder Tara, I am glad that I met the younger, Tara, in the words of the elder one. But I would love to meet her in person. To be honest with you elder Tara, I am more in love with the younger one and so, are you. So I would appreciate it if you help me find her. I can’t wait to meet her, talk to her, not let her apologize for her emotional nature, embrace a brutally soft woman, acknowledge all her pain, and let her share it with me too clearly and too openly. I want to drown with her in sorrows the same way she drinks away her feelings. I do not want to ignore anything her radiating heart wants to express which will be worth everything to me. I want you to express each and every feeling in the same way her heart desires and let the whole damn world listen to it! I love that she is emotional and handles everything emotionally. I want her to be ‘My tower of greater stability. I am so proud that she is Soft… Desperately… Utterly… Defeatedly…I want to introduce to the world this brand new definition of a woman’s strength erasing all the traditional ones. I want to witness all of her even if I am not ready. I want to see her cry as if she wants to wail out her lungs… I want to see her laugh, till the world hears her happiness… And now that empathy is your favorite feature, it’s mine too. I want to be with all your pieces under the stability blanket. I would like to apologize on behalf of the whole damn world that made you feel vulnerable and being emotional is your weakness. So my dear Elder Tara let us begin to weave our stability blanket!
DoubleSpeak 